How men live in hope
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered 'Is that one word or two?'

 

Hope you don't make the same mistakes.





My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She

asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her
not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.. ...
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

 

An American businessman was on a week long trip to China. Not all of it was business related however but he was careless and did not practice safe sex. A week after he returned home he woke up one morning to find his "member" covered with purple spots. He of course was horrified and immediately went to see his doctor.

The doctor had never seen anything like this before so ordered a series of tests and told the man to come back in two days for the results.

Two days later the doctor sat with the man and said, "I have some very bad news. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare in this country and we don't know a lot about it. We do know that there is no known cure and the only treatment that seems to work is amputation."

The man was stunned and said that before he took that step he wanted a second opinion. The doctor replied, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but I can assure you that amputation is your only choice."

The next day the man sought out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he should know more about the oriental disease. He made an appointment and after an examination, the Chinese doctor said, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease in this country." The man answered, "Yes I already know that but what can be done? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my "member".

The Chinese doctor shook his head and laughed. "Ah yes, Amelican docta always want to opelate. Make more money that way. But no need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!" the man exclaimed.

"Ah yes," said the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself."

Rolomac

 

LOL you are a senators fan BOOOO, and i got a few of how the fight started.. i made them

Me and my girlfriend were on the couch watching a movie
She asked me how could our life get any better.
I said there are a few ways
She asked what do you mean
I asked her if she is interested in trying new things
she said depends on what it is?
i asked her if her mom would be interested in a 3 some
then the fight started.
----------------------------------------------------

So my girlfriend asked me a question
She asked me if she would look better with blonde hair.
I told her I wasnt sure.
She asked me if i could picture it in my head
I told her that If i pictured her with blonde hair it wouldnt be her, it would be paris hilton and her hair blonde.
then the fight started. aha
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
so i was at work working afternoon's
and i call my girlfriend to wish her a happy birthday
So i called her from a private number
I said "hey happy birthday i hope i see you soon
She said " i hope so too.. remember you have to be out before 11 cuz my boyfriend comes home
then the fight started
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
anyway so me and my girlfriend were watching just for laughs
the comedian does his skit about relationships.
i watch it and i know its true so i am laughing my *** off.
my girlfriend turns to me with a dirty look and says
Do you really think all of that is true?
I told her no. Its worse then what he said
Then the Fight started
-------------------------------------------------------------

i was laying in bed one morning while my girlfriend was looking in the mirror.
she wondered if she was fat, being the guy i am i said i dont know do you think you are
she told me she felt fat and wanted something to make her feel better.
i got up and drove to the store. I came back and she wondered where i went
I gave her Low fat Ice Cream and said there you now you wont feel fat anymore
Then the fight started
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So me and my girlfriend were in my car driving
and we got onto the subject of children
she asked me how many kids i wanted to have
I told her two one boy one girl.
She said what if we end up having 2 girls
I told her then to put me in a coma when they become teenagers
Thats when the fight started.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
so i was hanging out with my girlfriend in the park
and we saw a crow hovering around us and cawwing.
my girlfriend was like what annoying bird
i said to her that bird is exactly like you
she asked what do you mean
I told her you just like the bird, hover and bitch about anything
thats when the fight started
---------------------------------------------------------------

hehehe funny thing is most of these were true

 

LOL... I like em! Here are a few goog ones.

"Friends don't let friends Take home ugly men"
Women's restroom Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

"Beauty is only a light switch away."
Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC

"If life is a waste of time, And time is a waste of life,
Then let's all get wasted together And have the time of our lives.."
Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC

"Fighting for peace is like Screwing for virginity"
The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO

No matter how good she looks, Some other guy is sick and tired
Of putting up with her ****."
Men's Room Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC

"At the feast of ego Everyone leaves hungry."
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ


"It's hard to make a comeback When you haven't been anywhere."
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ

"Make love, not war.- Hell, do both. GET MARRIED!"
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT

"If voting could really change things, It would be illegal."
Revolution Books New York , New York .

"If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!"
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC

"Express Lane: Five beers or less"
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Deb evic's, Phoenix , AZ


"You're too good for him."
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Deb evic's, Beverly Hill s , CA

"No wonder you always go home alone."
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Deb evic's, Beverly Hill s , CA


~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~





"A Woman's Rule of Thumb:If it has tires or *********, You're going to have trouble with it"
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX

 

Denny's New Breakfast Special!


In honor of Nadya Suleman, the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast special:

You get 14 eggs, no sausage...and the guy next to you has to pay the bill!

 

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request
to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still
very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen , the man leaned over to
his host, 'I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still
call your wife those loving pet names'.

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,'
he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and
I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is..

 

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went

to the local church for confession.


When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our

neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from

the *****. So I hid her in my attic."


The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no

need to confess that."


"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual

favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on

Sundays.'


The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,

you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those

circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.

However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed

forgiven."


"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.

I do have one more question."


"And what is that?" asked the priest.



"Should I tell her the war is over?''

 

Last one for taday. It came from a Friend in England... I thought it was hilarious


THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'


The Aussie said 'One!'


The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.


How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'


'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'



'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4


The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...


'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

 

The UPS man was driving through a familiar neighborhood one Monday morning. He stopped to make a delivery to one of the homes and as he approached the door the homeowner was coming out carrying a load of empty beer cans and liquor bottles.

"Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had a heck of a party last night," he commented.

Bob, in obvious pain, replied "Actually the party was Saturday night. This is the first I've felt like moving since it broke up at 4:00am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we played a game of WHO AM I."

The UPS man thought for a moment and then asked, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

"Well," Bob explained, "All of the guys go in the bedroom and then come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and with only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The UPS man laughed and said, "Wow, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you missed it," Bob responded, "Your name came up seven times."

Rolomac