This one had me cracking up
#401
06-03-2009, 09:57 AM
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be fu***d if he needed glasses".
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be fu***d if he needed glasses".
#402
06-03-2009, 09:59 AM
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?” He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?” He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
#403
06-03-2009, 10:08 AM
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be the Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man o f this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied, 'The Damn funeral director would be my first guess.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man o f this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied, 'The Damn funeral director would be my first guess.
#404
06-03-2009, 10:14 AM
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big **** he always was
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise .' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. ' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be cryi ng?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live.
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time......but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her.. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big **** he always was
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise .' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. ' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be cryi ng?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live.
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time......but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her.. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
#405
06-09-2009, 08:15 AM
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, bent down, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place. When she stood up she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have eleven stitches in his forehead!
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, bent down, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place. When she stood up she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have eleven stitches in his forehead!
#406
06-09-2009, 04:52 PM
no problem rolomac... I a very large list of jokes to post after being away for so long.
Only one for today though...
The wrong lessons in golf
a foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'i guess all those f*****g lessons i took over the winter didn't help.'
one of the men immediately responds, 'well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'
he never even had a chance to duck.
Only one for today though...
The wrong lessons in golf
a foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'i guess all those f*****g lessons i took over the winter didn't help.'
one of the men immediately responds, 'well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'
he never even had a chance to duck.
little johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, little johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When johnnie looked in the crib he said, "what a beautiful baby."
the mother said, "why, thank you, little johnnie.
Johnnie said, "he has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"that's great", said little johnnie,"coz he'd be fu***d if he needed glasses".
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, little johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When johnnie looked in the crib he said, "what a beautiful baby."
the mother said, "why, thank you, little johnnie.
Johnnie said, "he has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"that's great", said little johnnie,"coz he'd be fu***d if he needed glasses".
the guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "man, what happened to you?” he said, "bob snored so loudly, i just sat up and watched him all night."
the next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "man, what happened to you? You look awful!” he said, 'man, that bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
the third night was fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "man, what happened?"
he said, "well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
The first guy slept with bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "man, what happened to you?” he said, "bob snored so loudly, i just sat up and watched him all night."
the next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "man, what happened to you? You look awful!” he said, 'man, that bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
the third night was fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "man, what happened?"
he said, "well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
from the northwest florida daily news comes this story of a crestview couple who drove their car to wal-mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, bent down, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place. When she stood up she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have eleven stitches in his forehead!
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, bent down, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place. When she stood up she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have eleven stitches in his forehead!
#407
06-10-2009, 07:58 AM
Glad you like them Jaimie... here is a couple more to keep things going.
I'm sooo pissed off.......
I had two Toronto Maple Leaf tickets sitting in plain view on my car dashboard.
Some bastard broke my window and left two more.
I'm sooo pissed off.......
I had two Toronto Maple Leaf tickets sitting in plain view on my car dashboard.
Some bastard broke my window and left two more.
#408
06-10-2009, 07:59 AM
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts ˜this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!', & proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava.
The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.
Did anybody else here see my face?'
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter & shoots him also.
Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around..
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.
'I think my missus caught a glimpse ....'
He shouts ˜this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!', & proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava.
The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.
Did anybody else here see my face?'
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter & shoots him also.
Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around..
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.
'I think my missus caught a glimpse ....'
#409
06-10-2009, 08:00 AM
Daniel Penberthy, an elderly Ontario farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy.
"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him $ 240 a week, and he has a free cottage.. Then there's the dairymaid. She gets $ 90 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half wit.. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about $ 25 a week, along with a bottle gin every week, and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, the half wit."
"That'll be me then, " said Penberthy.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy.
"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him $ 240 a week, and he has a free cottage.. Then there's the dairymaid. She gets $ 90 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half wit.. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about $ 25 a week, along with a bottle gin every week, and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, the half wit."
"That'll be me then, " said Penberthy.