I know a lady who is so blonde that she thinks asphalt is a rectal problem.

Rolomac

 

Marriage is a three-ring circus:

Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
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For Sale :

Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.

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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been l iving with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

All the DNA is the same.
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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."
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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men.

In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.

What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
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A man goes to see the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison"

 

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where
she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and
masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she
tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a
spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

 

An amazing elephant story...

In1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday inKenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly .




Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, abig bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured itover the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer said.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, sowhaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answered in relief. "I don'twant anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize."
And the golfer walked off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun said to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I wouldwant... a great golf game, a all the money he ever needs, and a fantasticsex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golferis back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famousgolfer now," he adds, "by the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. Andtell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I justreach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also." And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did agood job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once,sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priestin a small parish."

 

Golfer jokes! I love golfer jokes!

My friend Jack was at the golf club and went into the club house for a drink. In a raspy voice, he greeted the bartender and asked for his usual - a double scotch and soda. The bartender brought the drink and asked, "What's wrong with your voice, Jack? Got throat problems?"

"Well, it's kind of a long story," croaked Jack. "I was playing a round with my wife yesterday and she sliced her ball off into that pasture that is over the fence next to the fourth hole. We both climbed the fence and started looking for her ball and just couldn't find it. Then I noticed that one of the cows was laying there about where her ball would have gone so I went over to check. Nice, gentle milk cow - laying there chewing her cud. I walked all around her and didn't see the ball and then as a last resort I lifted up her tail with my club and sure enough - there was my wife's ball - it had rolled right up there under that cow's tail.

I called my wife over to show her and I was laughing when she got there. I lifted up the cow's tail so she could see and said - that looks like yours, honey.

She hit me in the throat with her nine iron."

Rolomac

 

When he arrived at the golf club, Bill took a call from his friend telling him he wouldn't be able to turn up for the round. Sitting in the bar he noticed another man on his own so they started to chat. It turned out that the other man had a similar experience to Bill, his friend couldn't make it. They decided to have a round together.

After a few holes, Bill asked his companion what he did for a living.

"Im a professional hit man."

Bill was staggered by this but played on. After the next hole his curiosity had the better of him. He asked the man if he was serious about being a professional hit man. The man opened his golf bag and pointed to a high-velocity rifle. "I carry it everywhere I go, you never know when a job will come up."

Bill asked the man how much he charged and the man said "It's $10,000 per shot. I never miss so usually I get $10k every few days."

As they walked on Bill had been pondering. "Do you know" he said "I'd love to have my wife killed".

The man stopped and said "This is serious stuff when someone says that to me. Why do you want her killed?"

"She's been unfaithful to me. I know she has. You can see my house from the golflinks. Everytime I come here I see a car parked in the drive. She always denies any knowledge of course."

They walk on a bit then Bill gets excited "That's it! That's my house and that bloody car is there again!"

The hit man gets his rifle out of the golf bag and looks down the telescopic sight. Sure enough, he can see Bill's wife in the bedroom with another man and he tells him so.

"Right! That's it! Kill the pair of them!"

"Well that's going to cost you $20K if I do... where would you like me to shoot them?"

"That ****** has been screwing my wife for months. Shoot him in the dick. She's been lying to me all tis time. Shoot her in the mouth."

The hit man is still looking through his sight "Hmmmmmm... well if you give me the go ahead right now I can do the pair of them with the one shot and save you $10K"

 

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
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A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"
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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!"
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A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really?" asked the neighbour. "What kind is it?" He replied:- "Twelve thirty."
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. The doctor said to Morris, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
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Last One: A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis."

 

Have you ever wondered???





[align=center]Who was the person who discovered that milk came from cows, and, more importantly, what was he doing at the time?[/align]

 

A farmer has three sons.
One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me."
He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle.
Well, he gets the same excuse . "as soon as that tractor is paid for."
Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle.
Again, ol' Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"
The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for!