OldMatt

I was having trouble with my computer. So I calledMatt the computer guy, to come over.Matt clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again?"

Mattgrinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T

I used to likeMatt.

 

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched
straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his
Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours,
meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her
overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is
$200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're bull****tin' me!" The social worker
said, " Yeah, well . . you started it."

 

Medical history was made here today when a baby boy was born with no eyelids - due to a genetic problem. The attending physician however, brilliantly performed a medical first. Since he was performing a circumcision on the baby boy and had the cast-off foreskin available, he used it to fashion two little eyelids and the corrective surgery was a 100% success. The kid is a little ****-eyed, but other than that is fine.

Rolomac

 

Best one I've seen in a while!

 

Thanks, Cl8ton - that's a real compliment coming from a master joke teller like you.
Rolomac

 

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs: phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife
has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently, although when I ask
their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know
them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually
fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think
deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went
out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I
could get a good view of her when she arrived home from a night out with
"the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse,
which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them
on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that
the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by
the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop
where I bought it?

Signed,

Perplexed


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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand.There's a hole in one of the bags,and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the
pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money?" " Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop.
"OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says
the little old lady,"not all of them pay."

 

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a very beautiful daughter who had one serious problem. Everything she came in contact with melted at her touch. Many were afraid of her and nobody would dare to marry her, despite her beauty and kind heart.

One day a wizard told the king, "If we can find one object that won't melt at your daughter's touch, this terrible curse will be lifted."

The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition throughout the land. Any man that comes forward with an object strong enough to hold up to her touch, will not only lift the spell but will get to marry his beautiful daughter and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamonds are the hardest material and are not capable of melting under the severest of temperatures. Alas, despite its element, as soon as the princess touched it, the diamond melted! Sad and disillusioned, the prince left the kingdom.

The second prince brought a very hard alloy, thinking it too couldn't melt under the most extreme circumstances, especially the touch of a beautiful woman. Unfortunately, the same thing happened. The alloy immediately melted after being touched for no more than one second by the princess. Embarrassed, he too went away.

The third prince stepped forward and told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and touch what you feel in there."

The princess blushed and turned away asking her father if this was appropriate.

Her father wasn't pleased, but said yes, do as requested in hopes of breaking the spell.

Ta Da! It didn't melt!

The king was overjoyed! The people of the village rejoiced in ecstasy! The curse was finally lifted and the third prince lived happily ever after with the princess.

So what did the princess feel in the prince's pocket?


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\/[/align]M&Ms of course --- they melt in your mouth, not in your hands!

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cl8ton - glad to see you posting jokes again. Your last one reminded me of another . . .
Many years ago there was a young king of a remote mountain kingdom who realized that he needed to take a bride. Having a queen would help his subjects to identify more with him and he really did long for feminine companionship and help in running the kingdom.
He searched far and wide throughout his kingdom to find a worthy queen and was finally able to narrow the selection down to three lovely ladies but then he was stumped. All three were equally lovely, intelligent, and suitable to be his queen. As the legend goes - one had lovely blond hair the color of rippened wheat - one had flaming red hair the color of a mountain sunset - and the other had hair as dark as a moonless night,
The young king agonized over the decision for many days and could not decide.He entertained each of the beauties in his castle and was equally impressed with each of them. Finally he took the question to the court wizard who advised, "Your Highness - perhaps you should devise a test for the ladies - see which of them is the most able to perform in a queenly fashion.".
So it came to pass that the king devised a clever test. To each of the fair maidens he gave a chest filled with gold coins of the realm and instructed them to take it and spend it in whatever manner they wished, knowing that how they spent the money would reflect on theircapabilities to help him rule over his kingdom.
After a fortnight the king asked each of the ladies in turn to dine with him in the royal banquet hall and tell him of their purchases.
The first was the blonde. She reported to the king that she had traveled the world over in search of beautiful things to wear. The finest silks and brocades, gowns and intimate apparell, jewelry and finery. At first the young king was dismayed at this but then realized that the maiden did all this to make herself more attractive to him and he was deeply impressed.
The second was the redhead. She reported to the king that she had sent caravans to the far reaches of the kingdom in search of gifts for the king himself. Beautiful and precious objects of rare and untold value. At first the king was dismayed at this but then realized that the maiden did all this to show her love for him and he was deeply impressed.
The third was the brunette. She reported to the king that she had consulted with the kings own financial advisors and with their information she was able to invest the gold in increasingly valuable real estate, mutual funds, and petroleum speculation and had increased the initial investment tenfold and she presented all of her earnings to the king. He was deeply impressed.
But the test had done nothing to make the decision easier. The king was stillunable to decide between the three beautiful, intelligent, loving ladies and he was unable to sleep or eat as he agonized over the decision. And thenthe answercame to him. It was so simple. The answer had been there all along and he had not seen it. In great joy and happiness he made his decision and selected his queen.

Do you know which one he chose? It's very simple . . .
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The one with the biggest knockers.

rolomac

 

LOL!!! I love it!