I Like It!


A man and his wife were sitting at a table at his high school reunion, andhe kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at anearby table.

His wife asked him, "Do you know her?"

"Yes,"he sighed, "She was my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hearshe hasn't



been sober since."

"My word!" saidhis wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
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The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy
bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He
responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never
done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says......................
























"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

 

This might have been posted already, but I like it so I am posting it now lol.

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

 

why do midgets laugh when they play soccer?




because the grass tickles their *****.

 

Back from a weeks holidays and this is all that was in my mailbox. Enjoy!

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on anairplane when the strangerturned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard thatflights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
[/align]The little girl, who had just opened her book,closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
[/align]"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger;how about nuclear power?"
[/align]"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
[/align]The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
[/align]To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?" [/align]

 

How about a little church humor?!?!

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ***!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

 

lmao
ive heard that one before, but still a classic :P

 

Spelling to get into Heaven

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.



While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!

 

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
[/size]The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been screwed?"
[size=4]The fellow said "No", She said "You will be when the tide comes in".

 

three blondes are outside of the pearly gates of heaven. st. peter tells them that they will be admitted to heaven if they could answer one question: what is easter?
one blonde chimes in; "it's the holiday where santa comes and brings us all presents if we have been good."
WRONG, she goes to hell
the second blonde chimes in, "it's the holiday where we all give each other cards and chocolates and pick our special person."
WRONG, she goes to hell
the third blonde has a little grin on her face and says, "i know what it is. it is the holiday where we look back on when Jesus was crucified."
"go on," says st peter
"he was hung on a cross and had nails driven into his hands and feet. he stayed on the cross for three days untill he died for all of our sins."
"yes, go on," says st peter
"he was buried in a tomb with a huge rock rolled over the door,"
"and the most important part," says st peter
"and every spring, he comes out of the tomb and if he sees his shadow, we will have 6 more weeks of winter."