Lollllllllllllllllllllllllllllll to all of those.

 

A few for the Weekend! Have a Good One!

A House Maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this
and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The
first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'







Maria: 'No Senora, the gardener did.'

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

 

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was
to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to 'God' with
no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was
about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all
the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is
Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family
to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
pounds.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put
into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the
workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would
be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came a nd went. A few days later, another letter came from
the same old lady to 'God'. All the workers gathered around while the
letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of
your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your
wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those
bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,

Edna

 

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the



man looks over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big,




I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.'



With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the



grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured


his wife's bottom.


'Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!'


The woman chose to ignore her husband.


Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.


He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him


off. 'What's wrong?' he asks. ..............
She answers: 'Do you really


think I'm going to fire up this big-*** grill for one little weenie?

 

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied,
'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part
hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'


'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

 

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?




Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is
You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.



I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.




It's scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.

 

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''
No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'



So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little ****.

 

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going'?

The other guy a nswers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'

 

The Difference Between a Grandpa and a Grandma


A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.

Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, Pa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb b*****d or lousy s**t head anywhere we went today!'

 

Cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. So he asks the biker his name.


"Fred," he replies.


"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.


The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.


The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical, school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."


"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS."

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD."

"Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD."

"Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred."