A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'


Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.

 

Finally! An explanation!


It's like this . .. . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers..'

 

LOVING HUSBAND

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Soccer Final. As he sits down,
another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to
him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the FA Cup Soccer Final, the biggest sporting event of the year,
and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to
come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't
been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find
someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."

 

Bobbie was very excited to get to go to his first horse sale with his dad. He was fascinated with all of the activity and the horses and the groomers and the sales arena. He followed his dad - - - who did some horse trading as a hobby - - - and observed him talking with sellers and other buyers. Then Bobbie's dad found a horse he was particularly interested in. Bobbie watched quietly as his dad looked deep into the horse's eyes and then ran his hands over the horse's rump and down it's back legs and then over it's chest. When he had completed his examination, Bobbie asked, "Dad, why did you do that?" His dad - - - pleased that his son was so interested - - - explained, "I'm interested in buying this horse, Bobbie, and I want to be sure it's healthy and sound."

Bobby thought about this for a moment and then said, "Dad, I think the UPS man wants to buy mom."

Rolomac

 

"Dad, I think the UPS man wants to buy mom."
LOL... Fantastic!!!

Just got this one...


I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

Now you are as enlightened as I am.

 

THE VACANT TRAIN SEAT:

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. marine
walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only
seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French
woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in
particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using
that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only
seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired..'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are
also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up
the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat
down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This
American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you
Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing


You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out
the window

 

Haha, the wrong bitch. I was wondering what the punch was gonna be.

 

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is pre-menstrual or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

 

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the
Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'
To which the man matter-of-fact replies, 'Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex.''
Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, '
Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies,
'Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.'
Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,
'Then who are these for?' Those are for college men,' the dad answers,
'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12Pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........'