This post is really just for me to write, I need to say some things and hope others take something from this. In May of 2009 my grandfather died, it was expected for the last 6 months but to see him lose his mind and then his body was heart wrenching. To watch the man who helped my parents raise me and my siblings go from being our hero, our companion, our guide, occasionally our judge and jury to one bed ridden and not knowing who we were, where he was or even when, killed me inside. I dont want to sound cold but in a way the day he died was at the time the saddest and one of my happier days, I knew he, my grandmother and us: my mom, dad, sis, bro and I wouldn't have to suffer any more than he would have to. I missed his funeral with the standard Marine salute and burial due to my first trip to Europe that I couldn't reschedule, I was very depressed the first week of my vacation but tried to make the best of it.

Over the next couple years I helped my family relocate my grandmother from Sacramento (Rocklin) to Reno where she could be closer to my mom, this proved to be the best thing for my grandmother since she would be close to us for help, shopping, company and anything she needed. In 2010 she bought a house and moved out of the apartment that was even closer to my moms work (2 mins away), she was so happy to have her own house again that she was like General Patton in ordering my dad around on hanging pictures, painting, decorating and such, my dad even enjoyed this and would always do as she asked. I had never seen grandma (or my family) so happy since at least 2007 when grandma and grandpa were in better health. In 2011 she was diagnosed with cancer but was told it was curable, she went through chemo and radiation therapy and seemed to be doing well but in January of this year, while at the doctors for the latest results after her last treatment she was told the cancer had spread explosively, the radiation had killed so much of her immune system, which the doctor said was doing a decent job of keeping the cancer in check, that it had infiltrated almost every major organ and her bones, she was told she had 6 months at most to live. This news devastated me, I knew I had to get back home but I had just been there in November so I didn't have enough time to save for the next flight back, mom said she would let me know when to get there so I would have enough time to get some cash. In March I was told get home NOW, I bought my ticket and that Friday I was there, grandma seemed to be doing fairly well but she had aged so much in such a short time, even her mind was starting to go and she would fall asleep instantly only to wake up again 5 mins later. 3 days after I returned she passed away with my brother and I at her bedside, I watched as she took her last breath and in that moment I again was happy and crushed, I knew she was not in any pain anymore, pain that I never knew existed, the slightest touch of her skin in the affected areas caused so much pain..........hurts me now just remembering it.

I have the last months since then been on a roller-coaster of emotions and thoughts, deep depressions to decent days. I find myself here at my computer a lot, playing my games to forget the world outside, checking the forum here, I don't go anywhere right now since nothing interests me at the moment and sleeping has been very difficult, I get maybe 4-6 hours a day but its all at weird times since I stay awake till I get so tired I just pass out. In my free time........which just happens to be all the time I have written a poem thingy (don't know what to classify it) and will post a pic of it here, feel free to read it and comment if you like. In the end please cherish what you have, do all you can for whoever you love and care for, you never know when it will be taken away from you, I am just glad I was home in time, I didn't want to miss another minute being with her.

 

Some of us deal with passing differently than others. The hard part is to move on. Hopefully you have close family for support. I am not married, nor have children. My nephew is a pain in the *** and is pulling my parents apart. It is out of my control. I am trying to view it as "Whatever happens, happens, i am trying my best". It will be a new adventure and change in my life. I need some change, because the way things are going now, sucks. If I can help some people on this forum, it makes me feel good. Lately, I have been posting some funny attachment pics to lighten things up. Going to a few car shows has helped. Keeping busy is important.

 

1: My family, small as it is, is VERY close, one reason why this hit so hard the last years but its also a blessing in that I do have the support I need, its just I am on the other side of the world from them right now.

2:I have noticed :P :P Makes me laugh sometimes And I do feel good when I am able to help someone on here, I try my best with what I know, just wish I could do more.

3: I helped my friends mom organize this Was good and lots of fun

 

Dear MazdaTirol:

I like to express my sympathy to you.
I have collected a few random thoughts about loosing a loved one.

One friend while preparing a eulogy shared this with me: 'everyone is a teacher, everyone teaches something to somebody during a lifetime. That creates meaningful memories and they live on in these memories.'

You are now sorting these memories and you will soon get the lessons learned into focus.

Another person said: 'If you loose somebody and you get sad and depressed over the loss it is in part because of your selfishness. After all that person occupied a space in your life and you enjoyed the benefits of that.'

I believe you realized this as well. You were glad for your grandparents suffering to end. It shows you are able to let go. At the same time you are sad because of the loss. Let go, it shows your love.

You will think of your grandparents every day at least once even after 10 years. Memorize a happy image and they will still be part of you!

Wishing you all the best!