1 and 3 beeps after turning off car / exiting
 

I've got this hopefully dumb-me scenario where I turn off my car and it will beep once, go quiet for five seconds, and then beep three more times.
It's a 2021 CX-5 Carbon Edition Turbo AWD.

Here's a video that's audio - The first beep is at 4 seconds and then the next three beeps are at 9 seconds in the video.
- the initial sounds you hear are my dashcam shutting down and me opening the door

The thing is it doesn't do it every time I park but maybe ~1/3 of the time.
- Parking brake being on/off doesn't seem to matter
- Both key fobs do it
- I've replaced the battery on one of them so I don't think it's a battery issue but I'm not tracking this beeping full time but maybe I should do this again

When finished driving... I stop the car, move shifter to Neutral, set parking brake, move shifter to Park, and then immediately exit the vehicle and it will beep at me.
BUT if I turn off the car and stay sitting in it, it will wait to do it after I get out of the driver's seat (2-3 minutes).

Anyone have ideas or something I should check?
I scoped out the manual but didn't see anything in the warning lights/malfunction/beeps section.
The car drives fine, no warning lights.

Ideas:
Maybe it's leaving USB cables in the arm rest related
I've got a wireless CarPlay adapter but I think this was doing that before I got the adapter.
Ghosts
I'll have my keys in my pocket so it's not me leaving it behind.

I take it you aren't getting any warning lights along with the beeps.
I've only ever set the EPB when the shift lever is in "P".
3 beeps usually has to do with scenarios with the liftgate.

No warning lights at all.

I don't open my lift gate but once every couple of weeks but it always opens fine when I press the button inside the car, the button on the rear of the car, or using the keyfob.

I'm not positive about the CX5 as I have not had this arise, but on my Grand Cherokee, three beeps like that indicate that one or more of the doors (or hatch) has not locked. It occurs on the Jeep now and then if I am too close to the door when I lock it and the sensors think the fob is still in the car.

This is just getting off of the seat and then exiting the vehicle. No attempts to lock it and all doors are shut.

Sunroof and all doors are shut but I'll double check, good idea.

If you have auto-lock set, it will beep once as you exit the vehicle and a second time as you move further away and the doors lock. You don't have to do anything except exit, shut the doors and walk off. If you don't have that or it's disabled, then my suggestion is not applicable.

Autolock is disabled unfortunately so that's not it. This does it at soon as I get out of the seat with the driver door open or before I shut it/lock it.

It wasn't USB related as I unplugged all of mine and it did it again.

Definitely need a witch doctor.

You could try the universal fix attempt by disconnecting the negative cable on the battery for about ten minutes and then reconnecting it. You'll have to reset a bunch of stuff, but that often works for electrical issues.

Beyond that, I have no idea. Good luck with it.

Those are sounds from the memory seat. If you push the 'Set' button it'll beep once, and then if you push either '1' or '2' it'll beep three times to confirm the position has been saved. I'm not sure why it's doing that on its own though if I'm interpreting the issue correctly...