RE: This one had me cracking up
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 5/7/2008 2:22:13 PM
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jaimie08mazda3
Posts: 1918
Joined: 8/25/2007
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AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOLL. thats funny
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2008 mazda3 GS 5spd
Jaimie08mazda3:ricing out a 4 door integra is stupid
Virgin1: and how many doors does your mazda3 have
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 5/8/2008 1:25:50 PM
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rolomac
Posts: 112
Joined: 7/17/2005
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Jim and Bob were old ice fishing buddies. One day they sat in their fishing shelter for hours without saying a word while they were both lost in their thoughts watching their bobbers and waiting for a bite. After a couple of hours, Bob said, "Jim - there is something I want to share with you. I've decided to divorce Betty."
Jim was shocked and said, "Bob - I'm shocked! You and Betty have been married for over twenty years. You have great kids. You own your own home. You've always seemed like such a great couple. What in the world could be wrong?"
Bob replied, "Well for one thing, she hasn't spoken to me in over three months."
Jim was amazed and said, "Now Bob, don't be rushing into this - - - you know a woman like that is hard to find."
Rolomac
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 5/29/2008 8:18:57 AM
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cl8ton
Posts: 240
Joined: 6/1/2007
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I'm Back!!!
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out
as a 'Handywoman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he
had any odd jobs for her to do. 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to
paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'
The blonde quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need
was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her
husband:
'Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
'You're finished already?' the husband asked.
'Yes,' the blonde replied,' and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two
coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to
her.
'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porsche, it's a
Lexus!!!!!!!!!
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 5/29/2008 8:20:30 AM
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cl8ton
Posts: 240
Joined: 6/1/2007
Status: offline
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A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.?
Preparing to write a check,
She pulls a?rectal thermometer?out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
And without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great....
Some asshole's got my pen!'
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 5/29/2008 8:28:11 AM
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cl8ton
Posts: 240
Joined: 6/1/2007
Status: offline
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Chili Contest
Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out
loud, then you need to develop a sense of humor.
Note the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is
even better
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this
is.
They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween
comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
Antoniocity park.
The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who
was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I
was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from
the event: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1: Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the
flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2: Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Draino. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on
the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting shit faced from all of the beer...
Chili # 4: Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.
woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I ripped a-- and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6: Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,& sulphuric flames. I s--t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my a-- with a snow cone.
Chili # 7: Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full
of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 5/29/2008 8:32:33 AM
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cl8ton
Posts: 240
Joined: 6/1/2007
Status: offline
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Importance of Walking!
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an
additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60
Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear
heavy breathing again.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures
out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people
who annoy me.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
.............And last but not least,
You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail
it to them!
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 5/29/2008 1:10:47 PM
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rolomac
Posts: 112
Joined: 7/17/2005
Status: offline
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Cl8ton - glad you're back in time to rescue this topic from sliding into oblivion. Great jokes. I've got my ears out for new jokes but just haven't heard any - - - everybody is just bummed from the $4.30 per gal regular.
Rolomac
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 5/30/2008 1:37:04 PM
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cl8ton
Posts: 240
Joined: 6/1/2007
Status: offline
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Glad to be back from my trip Rolomac ... now I have a ton of catching up to do.
Here is one for the weekend!
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check .'
'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!'
'I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day,
he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however,
drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling,
cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'
To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 5/30/2008 1:37:36 PM
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rolomac
Posts: 112
Joined: 7/17/2005
Status: offline
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A group of second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses .
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes .
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."
He said, "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today
Rolomac
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 5/30/2008 1:42:03 PM
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cl8ton
Posts: 240
Joined: 6/1/2007
Status: offline
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OK! One More
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE PASSED GAS AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'
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