RE: This one had me cracking up
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 3/25/2008 1:11:48 PM
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rolomac
Posts: 119
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Paddy went to the monthly meeting of the Sons of Ireland and proceeded to get roaring drunk with his buddies. During the banquet he stood up to make a toast, saying "Here's to me lovely wife - - - may I spend the rest of me days between her silky thighs." All of the Sons of Ireland roared their approval and agreed that Paddy should be given a prize for his wonderful toast - - - a nice bottle of good Irish whiskey.
When he got home afterwards - - - late - - - Paddy's wife was waiting up for an explanation, which he was prepared to give. "Me darlin', I won the prize for the best toast and had to share the prize with me mates". This caught his wife by surprise and she asked, "And just what was this wonderful toast then?" and Paddy replied, "To the Church, of course, me darlin, the fountain of all that is good". This touched Paddy's wife's heart and she forgave him for the late arrival.
Next day Paddy's wife was doing her shopping and happened to meet Jaimie - - one of Paddy's dear friends and also a member of the Sons of Ireland. "Wonderful toast that dear Paddy gave last night", he said, "It was so deservin' of the prize." Paddy's wife agreed that it was a fine toast and added, "But I am a bit confused by it. You know Paddy's only been there twice and both times I had to grab him by the ears to make him come."
Rolomac
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 3/25/2008 1:13:28 PM
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rolomac
Posts: 119
Joined: 7/17/2005
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Hope that's not too off color !
Rolomac
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 3/25/2008 1:39:03 PM
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cl8ton
Posts: 240
Joined: 6/1/2007
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It's a Good One!
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 3/27/2008 10:30:23 AM
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cl8ton
Posts: 240
Joined: 6/1/2007
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Cinderella update
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"
The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen . The fairy godmother said, "Congratulat ions, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 4/1/2008 1:00:33 PM
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rolomac
Posts: 119
Joined: 7/17/2005
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Good one cl8ton!
Recently a blonde who just got home from work discovered that her home had been ransacked and burglarized. She immediately phoned the police and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. She put her face in her hands and sobbed, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen - - - I call the police for help - - - and what do they do?
They send me a blind policeman."
Rolomac
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 4/2/2008 1:26:08 PM
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cl8ton
Posts: 240
Joined: 6/1/2007
Status: offline
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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes
the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle
it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and
she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws
open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
line is backing up, putting the entire production line
behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there
are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush
red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece
of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to
carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself
together and approaches Lena.
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 4/2/2008 1:28:35 PM
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cl8ton
Posts: 240
Joined: 6/1/2007
Status: offline
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PUTTING HER AFFAIRS IN ORDER
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and
said,
"I have some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your
affairs in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself
and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well
daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when
things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer.
Let's head to the club and have a margarita." After 3 or 4 margarita's, the
two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more margaritas.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old
friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman
told her friends
they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been
diagnosed with AIDS."
The frien! ds were aghast and gave the woman their
condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and
whispered, "Mom, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just
told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father
after I'm gone."
Hell yes, women are evil.....
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 4/2/2008 1:31:47 PM
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cl8ton
Posts: 240
Joined: 6/1/2007
Status: offline
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My lucky night
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 57-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she SaidI said, 'No' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, 'Mom, you still
awake?'
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 4/2/2008 1:38:00 PM
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cl8ton
Posts: 240
Joined: 6/1/2007
Status: offline
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Blondes at it again,
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."
In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 4/9/2008 1:11:39 PM
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rolomac
Posts: 119
Joined: 7/17/2005
Status: offline
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A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2:00 in the morning.
The wife (who was undoubtedly blonde) picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know - - - that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband asked, "Who was it?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
Rolomac
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