RE: This one had me cracking up
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 3/4/2008 1:05:53 PM
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rolomac
Posts: 119
Joined: 7/17/2005
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Wow - - - I just heard on the news that there are no ice cubes in Poland. Seems that the only guy who knew the formula for making them died.
Rolomac
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 3/7/2008 5:30:03 AM
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cl8ton
Posts: 240
Joined: 6/1/2007
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Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 3/7/2008 8:24:42 AM
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cl8ton
Posts: 240
Joined: 6/1/2007
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it was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist
exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and
every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket
watch from his coat. 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique
watch
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch
the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch.' The crowd became mesmerized
as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a
hundred pieces.'
'SHIT'' said th e Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 3/7/2008 8:37:35 PM
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chloe
Posts: 8
Joined: 3/5/2008
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All props to you all! Nice, very funny stories. Haven't heard about these for years. Let me try too...
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love...
After marriage...
it self defense!
< Message edited by virgin1 -- 3/8/2008 8:08:42 AM >
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 3/12/2008 9:30:24 AM
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cl8ton
Posts: 240
Joined: 6/1/2007
Status: offline
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ANN SUMMERS LINGERIE
Husband walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150 in Price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and Model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.
I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked and return it tomorrow and Get a $150 refund for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband cries out, 'My God! It wasn't that wrinkled in the shop'.
.
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His funeral is on Thursday!
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 3/12/2008 1:09:31 PM
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rolomac
Posts: 119
Joined: 7/17/2005
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That's a great one Cl8ton - - -
Here are some new blonde jokes.
- Know why so many blondes live in LA?
It's easy to spell.
- Know how to rescue a sunken submarine filled with blondes?
Just knock on the hatch.
- Know how to tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
white-out on the screen
- Know what a blonde says when she's walking along and sees a banana peel ahead?
"Here we go again"
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RE: This one had me cracking up - 3/14/2008 7:26:23 AM
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cl8ton
Posts: 240
Joined: 6/1/2007
Status: offline
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They say you are never too old to learn. I learned something new today.
This is very interesting.
Read on......unbelievable
Be sure to read the final paragraph, but your understanding of it will
depend on the earlier part of the content. This is amazing and very funny.
. . .
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet,
8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates built the US railroads
.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines
were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long
distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts,
which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon
wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a Specification/ Procedure/ Process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?' you may be exactly right.
Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.) Now, the twist to the story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter,ut the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's
asses control almost everything....and CURRENT Horses Asses are
controlling everything else!!
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